Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”