Hard not to take this personally
You Might Also Like
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.