[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
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Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Get in loser we’re going crying
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Oh, I bet you would be
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)