Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”