I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?