This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
become ungovernable
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’d love this…lol
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline