[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Need this in my life lol
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Dietest Coke
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.