I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.