“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Awesome parenting 😂
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March