The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The sacred texts.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.