My mother’s maiden name is Password.
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you