I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
bias laundering edition
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Just a bush.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.