My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.