[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
You Might Also Like
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
this is me
Hank is one in a melon.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Hey! This isn’t my car!
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Body by sandwich.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you