Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.