I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
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Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*