I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?