This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.