Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to