blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Just me and my debit card against the world
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Dietest Coke