“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler