A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
You Might Also Like
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Why font matters.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.