Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.