Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
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I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet