Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My first son he is wonderful
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…