putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
WHO DID THIS?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.