I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Dead sexy!!
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
May have had one breakfast too many
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.