“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Unimpressed
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.