Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.