I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth