therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
You Might Also Like
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Hit me in the face with a bird
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.