Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.