“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
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My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second