me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
You Might Also Like
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.