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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.