i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.