me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training