Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
when you order from DoorDastardly
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
He-man has a Masters degree
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning