I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol