after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying