12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
#MeanwhileinCanada
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
A short story of betrayal:
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine