*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
And now we wait
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand