“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
the answer was staring at me all along
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Husband of the year 😂
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left