As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not