People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
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This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.