Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
You Might Also Like
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.