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My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.