Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Flock of bats
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no