A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…