Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
6. me as a lawyer
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.